every time i listen to bon iver, i can’t help but feel a complete sense of contentment and relief flow through me and it doesn’t make any sense because a good majority of these songs can be linked with sadness but my god my entire everything in me feels so serene and amazing and i am just so in love with this music and the feelings it gives me oh god
so i’m just laying in my bed, in the dark, blasting ‘taste my sad’ by bear/face through my headphones and i can’t help but wish i was on some crazy hallucinogens while listening to this like omg this song, this song is so pure. i just want to fucking float in outer space. ileana’s taste in music is so fucking flawless. ILEANA IF YOU’RE READING THIS, I LOVE YOU AND THE MUSIC YOU’VE SHOWN ME OKAY. this song will forever give me gah goosebumps. ugh. just ugh.
I just need to say that I miss katie and I’m having such a good day and this positive thinking really does wonders and I wanna cry cause my pb&j is almost all gone and I gotta get back to work but hey I’m happy and today is just gonna get better because I’m not gonna let it get not better.
I’m feeling inspired to write about the wonderful things in my life because I need to stop counting my problems and start counting blessings and I’m feeling peaceful and grateful and all that hippy shit.
Shout out to my mother for being the most fantastic woman that has ever walked this planet. She’s returning to her reservation life in may and I’m going to miss her dearly.
Shout out to my dad for being thousands of miles away and still managing to throw dumb little puns my way.
Shout out to my piece of shit car that gets me where I need to go. You’re a fine piece of poop, you poopy 95 Toyota you.
Shout out to that local natives band. I mean my god, all the feels they make me feel.
Shout to my job for making me have dreams of prescription coverage and useless insurance knowledge.
Shout out to my lovely millcreek and my lovely roommates and my lovely new home.
Shout to books and vinyl and movies ans sweaters from thrift stores.
Shout out to that burger place in downtown for constantly mending my heart with their greasy tasty goodness.
Shout out to my dogs for cuddling me on nights where I’m crying and stuck in tooele.
Shout to the gym for being there when I go on my healthy and quitting junk food phases.
Shout out to my friends. My friends who feed me and drive me around and tend to my alcohol needs and listen to me complain and gets random things out of the rat nest on my head and who tell me what is what and show me good music and stand to be around me regardless of how god damn weird and anxious i am all the time.
Shout out to all of the good people in the world who just choose to be good for the sake of others. Shout out to everyone who is always willing to help others out despite their own judgements. Shout out to the people who, although are handed platters of shit in their life, still radiate with light and love and kindness. Shout to the people who don’t let others leave them bitter. Shout out to those strangers who say hello and smile while walking passed you.
Shout out to you for making it this far. You deserve all of light and love that this world has to offer. You deserve greatness.
I feel like I just need to take this moment to vent about how terrible this year has been and I just feel like I haven’t mastered positive thoughts or vibes because all I seem to attract is negative bad things. I’m literally out of ideas on how to cope with everything right now. I can’t shake these dark feelings and it was never like myself to be a pessimist but I am starting to lose faith in almost everything and everyone and I can’t be happy about good things when they seem like too much of a fucking illusion. I don’t know how to make things right in my life when I feel like I’m making a good decision and then the outcome of it has me left with nothing. I’m always grateful and I’m always there for everyone. Honestly, I think I’m pretty great but everything life keeps putting on my shoulders is starting to make me think otherwise. I don’t even care if I’m sounding like a lousy complainer right now. I never put my feelings out there. I always go along with things, even if it means no happiness for me. I know when to separate my feelings for the sake of others and I know when to buck up and move on. But to be frank, I just want to tell everyone to fuck right off. I am not happy. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same. I put money and time into things that break down on me. I put trust into people who do not deserve it. Life is just one fucking let down after another. I’m just trying to keep my head high but let me tell ya, it’s really damn hard when the darkness is so overpowering of all the light. Ugh. Well. The greatest people dealt with the shittiest of circumstances and it made them incredible people. This is me still keeping that hope intact and waiting for things to turn around for me. God I sure hope they do.
2012 has seriously been the craziest year of my life. This has been the year where I’ve gotten my first full time job, I’ve moved out, I’m about to start paying a car loan, I’m going to get re-enrolled in college and I’ve been truly dependent on myself and I could not be happier about that. My stress and anxiety levels are at an all time high most of the time but I really wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m really excited for what my future holds for me. yeah.
things are good, but I am really struggling emotionally.
I’m really sick of getting close to people who just eventually leave. The thought of losing someone I love literally puts my stomach in knots. I’m not good at accepting when people are gone. It’s stupid how much I ache for that security of another person and it’s my own stupid fault for leaning so heavily on others who just end up leaving. Damn. I’m just so angry with myself.